pi & anne

The discussion about how to present a poem is on! Let’s see. A tanka has five lines, no capital letters, short long short long long, pivot, from observation or description to (internal) reaction, emotion, truth, about love or hidden messages… wait. Wait wait wait. Let’s wind back a bit.

I am currently reading “On Knowing Oneself Too Well” by Ishikawa Takuboku.

“In this volume, […] Takuboku followed the innovative practice of his contemporary Toki Aiki in presenting tanka […] in three lines of variable lengths. In their subject-matter, diction, and purpose, the poems brought a frank immediacy and striking modernity to this twelve-century-old poetic form.” (from the introduction)

I couldn’t agree more. It needed some getting used to it,  as these tanka read at times like short stories. And like tanka. Like tanka gifting me a cup of coffee and a map so I can explore the city and its inhabitants on my own. Close to everyday language, challenging me to look at the everyday things in a clearer, longer, focused manner. My irritation subsided quickly. I began to think about the options and creative possibilities, about poetic voice, style and purpose.

This morning I tried to capture something which I noticed yesterday lying on my couch in the living room. It had been a long day, and I was really tired. When I looked up, I saw I had forgotten to light my fairy lights above the couch, and I chuckled a bit internally. The lights were off, hanging there with one bulb after the other, all of them, like I was, like my brain was, like each thought of me seemed off, and without a spark, just tired.

I arranged the tanka into three versions.
In what way are they different, or are they all saying the same? They aren’t!

Version 1

the fairy lights
above me
dark
one thought and then
another fading

Version one is the most likely to see in English tanka. The focus is on line three,  ‘dark’. There is a certain stop happening behind it, when we read line one to three. Hence ‘dark’ seems to function as an adjective here. When you read line three to five though, it could be read as a noun. Also: ‘one thought and then’ is somehow a cliffhanger … and then ‘another fading’ takes place. Interesting. In sum: what the reader expects in terms of layout, focus on ‘dark’, interesting choice of line break in line 4 and 5.

Version 2

the fairy lights above me dark one thought and then another fading

Version two is all-in-one-line, read in one breath. It allows the same reading, yet it mimics the fairy lights in one line and the thoughts happening one by one, connected, yet not connected. Also: ‘dark’ could be misread as a neologism, a verb. Of course there is ‘darken’, but by quick reading one could associate it with it.  Nice! So here the fairy lights darken one thought… and then another fading takes place. Or… one thought and another fade. Interesting. A touch of surreal. Are the fairy lights a reminder of something that darkens the mind? Possibly. And in this version they could even be actually lit, and not off. Another reading could make a cut after ‘the fairy lights’, and all that follows is connected with the narrator’s state of mind. In sum, this is the most open option, and leaves the reader with several mysteries.

Version 3

The fairy lights above me dark,
One thought and then
Another fading.

Version three. Here you get a statement, the fairy lights are definitely not shining. They dangle above the narrator. The narrator needs to look up. And alas, while doing that, one thought, and then there’s again the cliffhanger, and ‘another fading’ happens. In sum, this creates a focus on one mystery happening, the fading.

So. Which one do you like best?  I believe all have their merits, and depending on what I want to let you see I might prefer this one or another to present to you…

When I think about my initial experience, the first and third versions talk most to me, personally. But I love the focus of the last one, and the more natural reading.

Why do I write in length about this? Line breaks, layout etc. influence how the poem is read and taken in. If I just follow the guidelines for their sake, I might miss out on some other beautiful readings of the poem which maybe get it even closer to its poetic vision. I believe we need to try out more. And more. And some more. And then decide.